Mom...writing to remember

 My Mom, Irene, would have been 87 today. She has been gone nearly 10 years now and I still talk to her. We miss her, of course. Her life force was still there, even at the end, yet her life quality was certainly not. As many know, dementia takes it all in the end anyway. We continue to love the bits and pieces that remain, learning to live with less and less each day. Our love stays with us, even after there are no bits left. 

Irene was a force to be reckoned with, even when young. Tomboy doesn't begin to define her. She spent the first few years in Queens, NY, in the bosom of her extended family, with relatives from that big wild Irish family all around, going to Rockaway/Breezy Point on the regular, sleeping on the decks of the family houses there - the Irish Riviera. A fish in the water, she fit right in, and was loved by the cousins as well. Her aunts and uncles ignored all the kids, as was the way in the thirties and forties. 

As the family got bigger and she had another sister, which made 3 girls, her dad got a promotion with Atlantic Richfield and off they went to the land of the New England witches - Salem, MA. The house was bigger, but family was scarce, so they made do with the salt water pool at the waterfront, running through the marshes. Mom was the daredevil there, too, although the beaches were to be found among the port areas. Trips to Long Island continued, though, so she was able to keep up with the cousins, a few older, most younger. Happily, the adults continued their laissez faire attitude with her so she had freedom to do what pleased her. Athletic and happily adventurous, there was always lots to explore in Salem.

Again, a promotion for her dad sent them away from Salem, back south. This time, they ended up in Stratford, CT, where Mom got some sense of maturity, even though the wild eyes remained. A few favorite pictures from this time include her 8th grade graduation from Eli Whitney Elementary, in an all white dress and a picture of her with a flannel shirt and clam diggers with sneakers and a dirty face - same time period! Perfect depictions. Ice skating at Motil and Longbrook, river swimming, running in the woods above Paradise Green, going to Stratford High and in a few groups for singing, and chilling. Best girlfriends and letters from her little boyfriend in Salem as well. 

By the time she was a sophomore, her friend's exboyfriend had his eyes on her. Kenny was a senior, on the football team, and a wannabe basketball player, sort of a jock. Liked to have a few beers with the guys, and kept racing pigeons. Not too far away from where Mom lived either, over by Nichols School. An easy bike ride - come on, cars were too pricey for everyone to have! Also, as a senior, he knew he had to go in the Army. The draft for Korea still in place, he was destined for a 2 year stint.

They became a couple, but that didn't stop her from continuing to love the outdoors, and having fun with her girlfriends. She started an afterschool job with Gladys Jubb at Wilcoxson School, working in the office as an assistant secretary. Her typing awards remain in my memory box - she won every speed test in both her junior and senior years. No electric typewriters in those days, you know. 

In the midst of her high school years, her parents retired and sold their house, moving to Florida. Mom was left in the care of a few different families during high school, going back and forth between them. One of them involved working moms, a rarity at the time. Through this family, we eventually came to know the housekeeper, who became a dear friend of us all, as well as family in the end. The dad of another family we came to know became the Tooth Fairy to my kids! Once Mom connected with people, she did her damndest to stay connected, which always was beneficial to us. 

Kenny was indeed sent to the Army - spent his years hanging telephone line acrosss route 20 in MA, sometimes coming home, sometimes surviving visits from his now fiancee and parents. Mom got a "real job" at Manning, Maxwell and Moore, and rented a room in a boarding house in Bridgeport, living alone for the first and only time in her life. She hangs out with her friends at the Blue Goose bar after work while she waits for Kenny to finish his service.

They marry when he is released and gets a job at SNET, staying at first with his parents, then getting a coop on Fisher Court, after a honeymoon that ends up with Mom having her gall bladder removed in emergency surgery in Florida! You can probably figure out the next parts of this...Mom gets pregnant after the whole honeymoon fiasco and return to Stratford, has ME! But first, she waterskis, on the Housatonic (it is August, afterall, and HOT), then goes with her friends to the Blue Goose wheile Dad is working. Her water breaks, one of her friends brings her to the hospital, one of Dad's friends goes to get him at work to bring him to Bridgeport Hospital and voila! I am out! 

They end up moving to Lordship - Valley Road. Right by the swamps, it is a great place to walk an old fashioned pram up and down the slow streets. Mom can take me to Russian Beach, right down the road, eventually she can show me how to find toads and frogs and critter in the swamp...she takes in ironing for some of her own cash, eventually gets pregnant again. This part is a bit tricky...

Nancy is born 4 years after me, still living on Valley Road. Happily, the Fire Station is only a block up the dirt road, because Nancy is not a healthy baby. She stops breathing frequently, Mom has to call the Fire Department nearly daily for the first 3 months of her life. They resuscitate her, saving her life, until it finally seems like she is going to be OK. Mom is exhausted, but pops back. By now, Dad is working double shifts and starts a bartending job, because that's what people did to get ahead.  I become a good little mother, learning how to change diapers, so Mom can rest. Our neighbor at the time is a Russian woman...speaks no English. Mom sends me over to "help" her a few times a week - really to keep me from being too serious about my new sister. We chat on her front porch, she in Russian, me in English...I loved her!

The Valley Road house is getting a bit too small...the 3rd grade teacher who lives behind us is selling her house so yes, Mom and Dad move to Hemlock Street - one of the bricks, with a big  backyard (seemed so). We had rental garages next door - plenty of places to play. Mom already knew everyone so it was an easy move for her...when I was 7, Nancy 3, she got pregnant again...She was happy about it on the outside, but scared this baby would have the same issues as Nancy. When Amy is born, Mom has post partum depression for months. She lays in bed all day and night, in a dark room, with the curtains pulled. Finally, someone (not my dad - not sure who it was) brings her to a psychiatrist. 

He gets at the gist of it all - fear of having another child like Nancy, even though Amy was a grand little babe. This guy does the very awful, non-Catholic practice of putting her on birth control pills! In 1968, she could have been excommunicated, as a Catholic. However, she went to confession (not at her regular church, but St. James), where the priest asked her if she felt this was a life or death situation...she said yes, and it was done. Thankful for that priest, for sure. Again, Mom got her spirit back and became the adventurous, thrilling, sometimes scary mom we loved.

She remained this woman, even through most of her dementia years. She was open minded, mostly, athletic (7 holes in one, several golf championships, swam with us often, walked  to the beach with her grands...), rode roller coasters gleefully, did  a bunjie jump in her 65th year, got a tattoo, learned to love foods  she never had before...I remember her every day, and try to remind my niece and nepherw and our kids of their grammie. She told x-rated jokes to my friends when I was a teenager, made her own friends blush, swore with her grands, loved to swim at the seawall during hurricanes. God, I miss her. 

The Mothers

 Some of us have lost our mothers, some have never had them to begin with. Some still have them, with all of their thoughts and memories. Don't know why this came to me yesterday - maybe it's because of my Twitter feed disciplining and teaching children. Some whacko "mother" decided she needs to be adored whenever she shows up to pick her child up from wherever - school, play date, activity class, religious ed. So she spanked her when they returned home because her child wanted to stay longer. The child was THREE. She is happy with herself, as now the child runs to hug her when "mom" picks her up. WHAT the hell is wrong with this woman? She claims she is an evangelical Christian teaching her child appropriate behavior.

It started me down this path of thinking about my mother and all the mothers I've known over the years. How lucky I was to have a mom who believed in free range parenting with adjustments along the way, and of sharing her parenting with other mothers in her circle, to help with what she wasn't good at. My Mom was good at many things, let me tell you. She loved being outside, bugs, dirt, the water, going to new and different places (even close by). She had very little fear - of people, neighborhoods, her husband and family (that was a thing in the sixties), of animals, nature, difference. Mom's strengths were not housekeeping, cooking, cleaning. She wasn't a slob, and kept it all decent, cooked most nights. She loved to iron (and took in people's ironing - that was when sheets and PJ's needed to be ironed). She couldn't be trusted to pay bills, as she really didn't care about money- she would spend it all to have a good time - except at Marnick's (local restaurant) where she and her friend got grilled cheese sandwiches and soda and all us kids shared a large fry and got water. 

Because of this, I searched out women who could help me with what I found I liked. I liked baking, reading, crafting and sewing (stitchery and clothing). I knew I wanted to go to college early on. Women who could help me with these likes were all around, happily, and very willing to just simply mentor. No, there was no quid pro quo or badness going on. These people were part of my village. A Girl Scout mom with a KitchenAid mixer showed a few of us how to make cookies and cakes. We rode our bikes and spent the afternoon "helping" her for a badge. My fifth grade teacher introduced me to a sewing machine - again, rode my bike there and helped her make a pair of pants! A friend's mom had a sewing room - WHAT? With a machine and all the necessary items to sew! A GS Leader was an expert craftswoman and taught us all about putting together something with a bunch of little nothings. Friends' moms were teachers and had books in their house that their kids read (we did have encyclopedias - World Book, of course!). Those kids also had library cards. They were also college bound from elementary school. 

These mothers mentored so many of us, without questions, without judgement. Of course, my Mom mentored other kids, too, taking them to the beach, for walks in the swamp, on adventures to local spots (like the projects in Bridgeport, where my Mom had friends - the Terrace I remember). Her model of behavior was mostly judgement free, except for a few folks she truly disliked. I've written before about the man who her father made marry her sister (she used to spit on him whenever she saw him) and people who mistreated a young man who was mentally challenged and rode his bike all over Lordship. 

So back to spanking a kid for not wanting to leave...even as young as three, kids know when fun is being had. Not wanting to leave fun is OK, whether you are three or thirty of ninety! And making your kid hug you or anyone is not good. It took me a long time to learn that, but it just isn't good, especially people that may "smell badly" to them. Aside - dogs and kids know who is good and who is not - it's a smell thing.  You have the choice - at three and up - to hug or not to hug. The village of women who helped to raise me knew that. They knew what kids needed and wanted, and helped to provide it for them. Not to leave the men out, but this was about mothers, people.  

Family

 Many years ago, when our kids were "little" and we had moved to Cornwall, CT, in the woods, a young woman came to spend the summer with us. She was a cousin of Dirk's, a few times removed, a teenager. Our kids were all under 6 (1988). At the time, her family lived in Bridgeport and we knew her summer and ours would be so much better if she stayed with us. She had babysat for the kids, come to various family events with us, so we thought we knew her pretty well, and she knew what she was getting into with 3 kids around in the woods!

Cissie, as was her knickname, was family, let me make that clear. A big sister, not a nanny or mother's helper, although she was a tremendous help to us. It was a gift to us that her Mom let her come with us for the summer.

Our first trip to the town pond was a bit stressful for us all. We had purchased a family pass for the beach a few days earlier. Parked the car and grabbed all the beach paraphenalia, crossed the road and headed down the sandy path. Kids and parents in the water, real sand. You could see and hear all the fun. A teenager sat in a chair in the shade, checking passes. I didn't even think about handing our pass over to her. She looked at the pass, then our group. 3 littles with an older girl. She said, "You all can go, but she's not family", and pointed to Cissie. It felt like a fire was building up inside me, and I responded she certainly was. She would not let us go by!

We traipsed back to the car, loaded it up, and I drove to Town Hall. Walked in with my troop, all in bathing suits (me, too) and asked for a supervisor, please. I tried so hard to be professional, remembering the kids were watching, and this was a new town for us. A woman came over to the desk (not a supervisor, but at that point?). I explained that these kids and I are "family" and the pass (it was $15) said "Family" on it. From her, I wanted a note that my "Family" was verified. The woman was (justifiably) horrified this happened and apologized profusely for this, to me AND to the kids. 

She gave me a note, notarized. We thanked her and drove right back to the pond, repeated our trek. Very sweetly, I gave the note to the teenager who spent a good amount of time reading it over and over. While she did that, I told the kids to go on and set up in a good spot. Finally she gave me back the pass and the note. 

You know we went to the pond beach EVERY day we could that summer. We all met great families and kids, enjoyed the cool water and building sand castles. Cissie never said a word to me about what happened that day. I did talk with her about this, and explained that some people hadn't been raised right, but that was NOT about her - it was about them. Sadly, she would have to deal with this. She nodded and then I knew she already had, in other aspects of her life. She was always mature before her years. We knew her well, but that Summer just cemented our relationships with her. An amazing young woman even in her teenage years.

Cissie came to my family reunion with us, and other events. I remember the reunion that year quite well. My Uncle John told her his corny jokes, everyone spoke with her and welcomed her to the family. She did everything we did - because we are family. That summer was a coming of age for all of us. We left Cornwall after a year there - it was wrenching to do so. The best thing to come out of that year was the Summer with Cissie. The kids still see her as their older sister, I love her so very much, even if we don't see each other often. 

She is a smart, funny, wonderful woman, who is working on her 2nd career - married to a great guy. A few years ago, her generous Mom went to live with her. Her Mom passed away this week, to Cissie's great sorrow. Karen, we thank you for the loan of your daughter all those years ago. May memories of you be forever in all of our hearts. 

What is history anyway?

 

3. What is history anyway? 

Four historians were asked that question initially asked 60 years ago, according to History.com.  These historians, all based in the UK,  were critiquing E.H. Carr’s book “What is History” of 1961. This question isn’t new. Some say it is the tale of the winners, for example. Those who “win” get to say what happened in the past. Yet, we know that isn’t always true. As we dig in the dirt and sand, we find the tale of the “losers”, too. That gets incorporated into what we know of the winners.

Look at neanderthalensis, for example. More information about this group of hominids has come out recently – turns out they used design and art in their lives – often considered to be restricted to homo sapiens sapiens alone.  This group did not “win”, yet, they sort of did. Many of us carry their DNA within us (I do!). Often considered “cave men”, we know that is a pejorative term. They were civilized, had societies, loved their children, cared for those injured, built homes (no, they didn’t all live in caves), performed rituals after loved ones died.

History seems to be, according to a few big history folks in England, narratives of the past, information supported by references and proof, origin stories that have come down generations, explanations of how our worlds began, both oral and scientific, ways to understand our present times. Really? Wow, that’s a pretty comprehensive list, and I know I’m not including every little bit.

Doesn’t include the good and the “bad”, does it? Seems to be about mainly facts, although origin stories are a way of finding out what a culture believes is important, therefore not factual. Lots of proof and references involved in history as well. History can be used to tar and feather figures of the past as well, though, by including proof about people who were held up to us all as “godlike”. Take Columbus. Not really the good godlike explorer we were taught about in elementary school. Seeing him as a real person doesn’t take away the bravery he and his men had to sail into the unknown, but it does make us realize that he didn’t see the Taino as people, was more worried about money and pleasing Isabella than “discovering a land”, and began the Columbian Period of colonization and genocide.

So, back to American history and race. Why are people afraid of reading about, being taught about, hearing about the facts of our nation, as it was? This isn’t just about African Americans, as historians know. The people here when Europeans began arriving were Native Americans from Asia (35000 to 50000 years prior to the 1600’s). Critical Race Theory also references what Europeans brought to that large group of people. So many tribes on the Eastern seaboard – mainly Lenape origin, but others as well. We grew up “playing” cowboys and Indians – surrounded by the myths of the good that Europeans brought to the “savages”. Those “savages” had constitutions, quite intricate living situations, building, knowledge of the land that continues to be better than most who do not have Native American heritage. They had survived, and prospered, after all, for at least 35,000 years (likely 50,000) before the White folks got here to stay.

How many of you have taken a non-Eurocentric history course? For example, a course on Native Americans in the Americas? Or East African tribal politics prior to colonization? Or the History of the Indian Subcontinent when Hinduism was being formed? People in power tend to decide what will be taught in schools. Even in colleges and universities, they think they call the shots. Look at Nikole Hannah-Hones, chosen for a UNC position of prestige “Knight Chair”. She was initially denied tenure, based on the request of a Trustee member of the University. WHAT? A person of power decided her life work was not suitable for tenure granting? No, he decided she was not suitable, and her tenure package was not presented to the faculty, who then votes. What was her “crime”? She published the 1619 Project for the New York Times. Eventually, this trustee was overruled, however it was too late. Nikole Hannah-Jones chose another offer – at Howard University, an HBCU. Choosing this offer meant academic freedom, a welcoming faculty and Board of Trustees, and the ability to provide to Howard’s students the knowledge she has. Who lost? UNC students, of course. Did the trustee win?

 

Next up: The 1619 Project

 

 

Murphy, Kate. “Nikole Hanna-Jones’s Full Statement”. 7/6/2021. News Observer. https://www.newsobserver.com/news/local/article252593038.html?fbclid=IwAR0vSy6eRRNrlJOrz9RPAlCTAt5QZ25HTgmmcGzZ8R768lh-jfSK8nZF1cg , Accessed 7/10/2021

 

Rutherford, Adam. “A Brief History”. 10/2017. The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2017/10/a-brief-history-of-everyone-who-ever-lived/537942/ , Accessed 7/10/2021.

 

“What is History?” History.co 8/2020. https://www.historytoday.com/archive/head-head/what-history , Accessed 7/10/2021.

Keys (not those kinds of keys)

 

2. Key points of Critical Race Theory

5 key issues:

Centrality and Intersectionality of Race and Racism

Challenge to Dominant Ideology

Commitment to Social Justice

How white supremacy and the “less than”ness of people of color was created and kept in America

Understand (and change) the connections between the law and racial power

This theory is over 40 years old. We already know that racism is a social construct, as race is. We are all members of the same race, homo sapien sapiens, after all.  It is not, as some say, about blaming white people. It is about learning what sustains discrimination, prejudice and stereotyping. As we learn what we are doing, we can then learn to correct those patterns, in law and society.

An example of white supremacy that sustained discrimination was redlining. This was the practice of drawing an actual line around a neighborhood or larger area where realtors would not show homes, and banks would not provide mortgages for people of color. That this happened throughout the country cannot be swept away by a refusal to teach about it. Current residential patterns in Hartford, CT, for example, are based on this practice in the 1930’s, begun with the New Deal. While the standard for purchasing a home is currently more about how much money one has, these old patterns continue to influence our banking and real estate industries.

While racism intersects with classism which also intersects with sexism, racism persists as the most dangerous of them all. Intersectionality is the concept that while one may be subject to classism, the way classism connects to racism is more than a double whammy. Add sexism to that and you have a trifecta of stereotyping, prejudice and discrimination.

Stereotyping is the fixed and overgeneralized belief about a group of people, often based on false information. One ignores the individual to tag the group and all within it. Prejudice is the attitude/belief/assumption about a person based on that person’s membership in a group (often based on appearance alone). Discrimination is the action taken based on stereotyping and prejudice. Of course we all do this! Often in silly ways that seem ridiculous when we look at them under a magnifying glass. Think about shoes, for example. Who looks at people’s shoes? Do you judge people based on their shoes? We look at people’s pants all the time (People of Walmart – all the PJ pants?).  Categorization is how our brain organizes what comes in through our senses. It is when judgement enters the mix that the trifecta takes hold.

The dominant ideology changes based on where you live in the country. Texas and California still purchase most textbooks, so the changes Texas request often make it into the textbooks sold around the country. However, today, history is more often taught using an online platform that can be customized based on requests from school systems in various states. As such, there is less reliance on a single narrative for all U.S. History courses taught in high schools. Most U.S. History courses now begin post-Reconstruction so as to avoid the Civil War/War Between the States concerns. Dominant ideology changes based on geography. Now, many look to change it based on Red/Blue State ideology. What happens when people attend colleges in a different state?

As we know, college changes all of us, as does reading. Once finished with K-12 courses, we enter a much freer curricula with choices galore, less reliance on school system decisions. We are able, as well, to gather information on our own, without reliance on a locally funded library which may not support this type of free information. It is a much different world today, with access to information (which has its own challenges!).  

Next up – moving away from a Eurocentric notion of history?

By the way, I was accused of not doing my research a few weeks ago...that's why I'm including references. Yeah. 

 

McGann, Shaun. “The Effects of “Redlining” on the Hartford Metropolitan Region”. 3/18/2014. https://connecticuthistory.org/the-effects-of-redlining-on-the-hartford-metropolitan-region/ , Accessed 6/29/2021.

Sawchuck, Stephen. “What is Critical Race Theory, and Why is it Under Attack?”. Education Week. 5/18/2021. https://www.edweek.org/leadership/what-is-critical-race-theory-and-why-is-it-under-attack/2021/05 , Accessed 6/29/2021.

Critical Race Theory - what is it anyway?

 1. 

What is Critical Race Theory? First, it is a specific way of questioning the role of race and racism as it impacts the law and scholarship. It would NEVER be used in grades K-8 as there is not enough background information for kids to understand this. Even in high schools, it would not likely be used as there isn’t enough background information for understanding.

Diversity and inclusion training do not use Critical Race Theory for their basis. While the previous president issued order against the teaching of diversity and inclusion training that included divisive concepts, race or sex stereotyping/scapegoating being included in federal contracts, many believe this violated free speech, equal protection and due process (Amendments 1, 5, 14).

Not all folks believe that CRT should be used in education – this includes, by the way, people of color. Banning the teaching of race, gender, stereotyping, divisive concepts, though, gave so many of us educators pause. How can you ban divisive concepts in a classroom? When our school dress code required belts, that became a divisive concept…get it? How do we teach students that stereotyping is not a good way to go through life if we are not even allowed to talk about it?

While Trump’s order has gone the path of all bad executive orders, governors of some states have taken up his uneducated beliefs and are trying to implement them. The legislation in some places bans CRT, in other places, it is being interpreted to include race itself. A course taught at a community college in OK has been cancelled (college used the term “paused”) because the syllabus includes teaching about racial inequality. This happened in the state that hid the Tulsa Massacre for nearly 100 years from the public, and kept it out of the local history. The college is waiting for other post-secondary institutions to take the law to court (“let the legal issues play out”).

Rather than dividing people by race or sex, as these governors have insisted would be the result of such teaching, it has been my experience that teaching about intersectionality of race, class, gender, sexual orientation and other ways we group people rarely divides people. Think of a Venn diagram, for example. Remember those overlapping circles we had to use in school? When students are asked to put in their characteristics and then compare with other students, these circles overlap as often as they don’t. Well, duh!

Back to what CRT is:

How race is socially constructed in America

Institutional racism continues to reinforce a caste system based on race, with people of color at the bottom

Race intersects with sexuality, gender identity, class (other identities)

History of racism is based on legacy of slavery, segregation, 2^nd class citizenship imposed on people of color throughout the social fabric of America.

I’m going to leave it here for now…would love comments! Next up is key points in CRT.

References:

George, Janel. "A Lesson on Critical Race Theory". 1/12/2021. https://www.americanbar.org/groups/crsj/publications/human_rights_magazine_home/civil-rights-reimagining-policing/a-lesson-on-critical-race-theory/ , Accessed 6/24/2021

Knowles, Hannah. "Critical race theory ban". 5/29/2021. Washington Post. https://www.washingtonpost.com/education/2021/05/29/oklahoma-critical-race-theory-ban/