Some of us have lost our mothers, some have never had them to begin with. Some still have them, with all of their thoughts and memories. Don't know why this came to me yesterday - maybe it's because of my Twitter feed disciplining and teaching children. Some whacko "mother" decided she needs to be adored whenever she shows up to pick her child up from wherever - school, play date, activity class, religious ed. So she spanked her when they returned home because her child wanted to stay longer. The child was THREE. She is happy with herself, as now the child runs to hug her when "mom" picks her up. WHAT the hell is wrong with this woman? She claims she is an evangelical Christian teaching her child appropriate behavior.
It started me down this path of thinking about my mother and all the mothers I've known over the years. How lucky I was to have a mom who believed in free range parenting with adjustments along the way, and of sharing her parenting with other mothers in her circle, to help with what she wasn't good at. My Mom was good at many things, let me tell you. She loved being outside, bugs, dirt, the water, going to new and different places (even close by). She had very little fear - of people, neighborhoods, her husband and family (that was a thing in the sixties), of animals, nature, difference. Mom's strengths were not housekeeping, cooking, cleaning. She wasn't a slob, and kept it all decent, cooked most nights. She loved to iron (and took in people's ironing - that was when sheets and PJ's needed to be ironed). She couldn't be trusted to pay bills, as she really didn't care about money- she would spend it all to have a good time - except at Marnick's (local restaurant) where she and her friend got grilled cheese sandwiches and soda and all us kids shared a large fry and got water.
Because of this, I searched out women who could help me with what I found I liked. I liked baking, reading, crafting and sewing (stitchery and clothing). I knew I wanted to go to college early on. Women who could help me with these likes were all around, happily, and very willing to just simply mentor. No, there was no quid pro quo or badness going on. These people were part of my village. A Girl Scout mom with a KitchenAid mixer showed a few of us how to make cookies and cakes. We rode our bikes and spent the afternoon "helping" her for a badge. My fifth grade teacher introduced me to a sewing machine - again, rode my bike there and helped her make a pair of pants! A friend's mom had a sewing room - WHAT? With a machine and all the necessary items to sew! A GS Leader was an expert craftswoman and taught us all about putting together something with a bunch of little nothings. Friends' moms were teachers and had books in their house that their kids read (we did have encyclopedias - World Book, of course!). Those kids also had library cards. They were also college bound from elementary school.
These mothers mentored so many of us, without questions, without judgement. Of course, my Mom mentored other kids, too, taking them to the beach, for walks in the swamp, on adventures to local spots (like the projects in Bridgeport, where my Mom had friends - the Terrace I remember). Her model of behavior was mostly judgement free, except for a few folks she truly disliked. I've written before about the man who her father made marry her sister (she used to spit on him whenever she saw him) and people who mistreated a young man who was mentally challenged and rode his bike all over Lordship.
So back to spanking a kid for not wanting to leave...even as young as three, kids know when fun is being had. Not wanting to leave fun is OK, whether you are three or thirty of ninety! And making your kid hug you or anyone is not good. It took me a long time to learn that, but it just isn't good, especially people that may "smell badly" to them. Aside - dogs and kids know who is good and who is not - it's a smell thing. You have the choice - at three and up - to hug or not to hug. The village of women who helped to raise me knew that. They knew what kids needed and wanted, and helped to provide it for them. Not to leave the men out, but this was about mothers, people.
